Deceit,Drama and Everything in Between…

Rest assured that the delay is almost intentional.

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I woke up from the late afternoon nap to receive an MMS from my friend who has taken a picture with Siti Nurhaliza (I may have ditched squash completely; my partner’s too busy killing people in CS. And I can never get myself to like football. I’m sorry if that disappoints my sponsor mates.)

It’s good to know that I lovelovelove Siti. Her vocal range amazes me. Some may find her songs corny but I can’t think of a better Malaysian singer out there that can challenge her when it comes to work ethics and talent in singing itself. Some may turn heel at the mention of her name; her sordid love life clearly has failed to create more fans. But I don’t care.

But it disturbs me very much when it comes to having a photograph with a prominent figure. In all honesty, I can never see what’s the fuss is all about. I’m not accusing my friend of bragging and flaunting to everyone that he has a picture with Siti. It’s just occurred to me that there’s nothing special in having a celebrity in your picture. This pretence might be born out of jealousy. I wonder whether I’ll go trigger-happy with my camera (wait, I don’t own one!) when I brush shoulder with the troubled but uber cool Amy Winehouse or the super diva Mariah Carey at the Hogmanay (InsyaAllah if I get to go to Edinburgh this September) or flailing madly from the crowd to grab the attention of Sigur Ros or Arctic Monkey’s frontmen so that we can be photographed together. Or if I’m a pedant in this one, I’ll step aside and make way for the obnoxious fans to flash away with their celebrities of choice, all the same thinking that they are (the celebrities), after all, just ordinary people.

Which is why I didn’t busy myself to pose in front of the camera with Nik Nazmi - a celebrity of sort here; he being the youngest MP and an alumnus of KY – when he came to the SC Camp. It’s almost safe to claim that I’m one of the few who sat at the back when other people started to wield their cameras in front of them so that our celebrity of the day could be forever imprinted on the film with them. Call it lack of ambition to be inspired or anything, it wouldn’t move me from having the moment captured by a camera.

Back then when I was still in Pekan, the Sultan of Pahang would tour the mosques in the district for Friday prayers. The most awaited moment was when he’s about to take his leave. All the boys were gathered and he would dispense RM 1 coins to them. Boys basked in the glory of having the Ruler of the state as company. I was there to collect my money. The same goes when Najib hold his Jamuan Raya. For my cousins, it’s thrilling (I don’t know whether this expression is apt) to shake hand with him. I was there to eat and get extra duit raya.

We bumped into Waheeda once (it was before AIM and her career hasn’t fizzled out yet. Nor it has completely these days). Some of us took the opportunity to ask for autographs and all that jazz. I sat at one corner with some other boys, un-aroused.

I think I’ll never be able to buy this concept of celebrity. I like them as much as I like them. They can strut on the stage, belting out favourite songs and dance till their toes become sore. But to clamour them when they’re doing groceries or simply hanging out with friends – as for now – will not appeal to me.

Naim, today’s your lucky day!

The Internet connection and my laptop are such killjoys.

I’m suppose to be celebrating this day,the day I finally get to finish writing the epitaph for A-Levels.

But those aforementioned blardy b*tches decided to burn my fuse.

Well,what a fcuking anticlimax.What now?

Novels,my unfinished project,the long-stalled driving classes,another unnecessary visit to the alma mater,movie marathon,series marathon,not waking up until 1 p.m.,a tall glass of Vanilla Coke.Tempting I must say.

Might turn over to the new leaf. Blogspot? Wordpress? Livejournal?

Wish that I’m listening to - Thank You - Dido

I would like to express my deepest “gratitude” to CIE for making my day.

I’m sparing you from the diatribe on how horrible P3 was coz everything that comes out from my mouth can and will be used against me in the future from the word go.

What I want to share is how my life, to a certain extent, has been ruined by it.

I have no other means to tell people that I DID NOT answer all questions.

And the fact that I DID NOT have 30 minutes to check my answers…

Had you bothered to inspect more closely, the last 30 minutes were used to answer questions that I couldn’t answer at the first go. I just wanted to make my answer booklet presentable. Most of my calculations met dead ends anyway. But I’m hoping against hope that I can scavenge one or two marks for my ATTEMPT at answering those questions.

Some friendships may lie asunder at my feet now. I’m not blaming the person for littering her blog with my name hence painting a wrong picture about the situation. Heck it’s her blog so she may write whatever she wishes. Moreover, it’s perfectly apprehensible that one tends to discard rationality in judgment making when one is greatly depressed. I do that too once in a while. In fact, this post perfectly underscores it.

My writing this is to brush aside all the preconceived ideas about me. Yes, I’m a whiner but I think I have good reasons to be one. In all honesty, I am begging to be understood. I have also turned on my apologetic side and silenced my ego so I am asking for forgiveness, if it’s not too hard to be fulfilled.   

I am sorry if my seemingly innocent deed of sitting for the exam has hurt the feelings of people around me. And I’m sorry for sharing my grievance on that paper with my friends. I’m sorry for taking A-Levels…

I hope you’ll find solace in my public apology, Miss Athirah Aminudin since reaching you by phone is close to impossible. I earnestly hope that our friendship doesn’t end here and come August, we’ll be laughing about this. I wish you the best of luck in every paper that’s coming your way after this.

CIE has done its job of tearing people’s life apart excellently. Thank you.

P.S: Biarlah Rahsia was playing on my Shuffle when I typed this. I like “Pernahkah kau bermimpi seketika berada di tempatku…”

This one is a quickie.

Here I am slaving away my time in front of the ultra sleek Apple computer in the algid RC.

And this thought occurs.

I’ve never been a splendid chemist and I think I’m just plain hopeless in the field. I need a scanning electron microscope to see Edinburgh because it seems too far away from me now I have sat for my Chemistry papers…

THAT BLARDY CIE!!!

Kenapa Saya Suka Kolej Saya…

Sebab di sini banyak aktiviti. Yang lagho, yang hedonistik, yang memancarkan cahaya keimanan, yang bermotivasi, yang membuang masa… Pendek kata, ada saja aktiviti yang bersesuaian dengan mana-mana pihak…

Kenapa Saya Suka Kolej Saya…

Sebab terdapat kepelbagaian jenis manusia di sini. Ada yang konservatif, yang liberal, yang duduk di atas pagar, yang kiasu, yang ‘lurus’, yang ‘bengkok’… Tak dapat dinafikan biodiversiti kat kolej ni sangat tinggi. Pelbagai kerenah dapat diperhatikan. Harus ahli antropologi bertandang ke sini untuk membuat kajian…

Kenapa Saya Suka Kolej Saya…

Sebab saya ramai kawan. Ada yang cool, yang hot, yang suam-suam kuku, yang agak anti sosial, yang pelik, yang skema… Diharapkan perhubungan ini kekal ke akhir hayat. Aminn…

Kenapa Saya Suka Kolej Saya…

Sebab cikgu-cikgu kat sini best! Ada yang dari luar negara, yang dari Kelantan, yang terlalu jujur, yang seksis, yang kelakar, yang terlebih semangat, yang suka bergosip… Tapi yang paling penting, semuanya sangat berdedikasi dalam melaksanakan amanah mereka. Jadi, kami semua harus berjaya untuk membalas jasa mereka…

Kenapa Saya Suka Kolej Saya…

Sebab bekalan makanan sentiasa mencukupi. Alhamdulillah.. Makanan kt DH best (kecuali ikan keli mungkin) dan kat kafe sedap bila tak terdesak tapi hampeh bila terdesak… Apa-apa pun, saya makin gemuk kat sini…

Kenapa Saya Suka Kolej Saya…

Sebab penggunaan komputer percuma dan tiada batasan waktu. Nak print dokumen banyak2 macam past papers pun boleh. Takde orang nak marah. Kalau printer habis dakwat, ada saja abang atau akak IT yang gantikan. Tapi banyak masa saya dibuang melayari Internet. Bukan cari bahan rujukan tapi sibuk berFriendster dan berFacebook…

Kenapa Saya Suka Kolej Saya…

Sebab pusat sumbernya (RC) best! Banyak bahan bacaan yang menarik yang boleh dipinjam. Air-cond die pun sangat sejuk. Tempat pertemuan dengan rakan-rakan bergosip. Dan juga tempat untuk study. Duh! Best kan RC kita? Betul tak Fiqry???

Kenapa Saya Suka Kolej
Sebab banyak perkara yang berlaku yang boleh digosipkan. Memang tak pernah kering isu yang boleh diperdebatkan. Pasal si polan si polan yang sibuk bercouple, yang baru break up, yang pakai pakaian yang Masya Allah, tak senonoh langsung, perihal kakitangan yang macam bekerja di sektor awam…Makin bertambahlah dosa mengumpat ye???

Kenapa Saya Suka Kolej Saya…

Kolej ni jauh dari bandar. Terhindarlah kami daripada pencemaran udara, pencemaran bunyi, pencemaran cahaya, pencemaran sosial (walaupun kolej ni banyak orang yang pelik)… Jauh juga dari sebarang pusat membeli-belah. Selamat duit poket saya… Memang permailah kawasan kolej ni walaupun tiada peradaban di sekitarnya. Tapi kami satu-satunya kolej yang ada plaza tol…

Kenapa Saya Suka Kolej Saya…

Sebab KY sangat best. Saya bersyukur ke hadrat Ilahi kerana telah meletakkan saya di sini…

Discussing freedom of speech might be considered passé by some while others think it’s a vanity. It is a vanity because in-depth knowledge is prerequisite to postulate substantial arguments either to go against or for the ideology. My ineptitude on this matter might not satisfy all readers and the very fact that I’m taking side in discussing it influences the magnitude this two-cent worth bears. I must apologise for that.

Of late, the blogosphere in KYUEM has expanded at an exponential rate. It’s like a fad; people find it fashionable to project themselves on to the Net and preach ideas, which are hoped that others can scavenge for a hasty bushel of mealy details from their drop-fruit posts. Otherwise, people have matured enough after two years in college that they feel compelled to let others know that they, too, are opinionated.

But this piece is not about the trend that is engulfing the community nowadays. It’s the freedom of speech and how I feel that the phrase is oxymoron in its conviction that I want to talk about. Recently, someone’s blog came under fire when a person, claiming that he/she is an advocate of freedom of speech blithely left comments that show little, if any, respect to the owner of the blog particularly and the community in general. Disregarding the sensitivity of others’ religion, the same person mocked Allah in his/her comment. For easier reference, let’s name the person as PM. Although it’s not news that Islam suffers considerable beatings after 9/11 (the caricature, Fitna, and others), this inconsiderate person has shattered the illusion of harmony and integrity among the members of the community which is fiercely sponsored by our government. Beneath the placid surface of homogeneity, there lies a dormant grudging, that the idea of colluding is a blithering hope and superiority is inevitable. The event clearly underscored this.

It was clear that PM’s comments were meant to provoke. Eliciting hatred from others and instigating a war with the blog owner, the culprit was poised to use his/her ultimate weapon. PM was cloaked in the seemingly impregnable freedom of speech and was not afraid to wield it against an army of disgruntled readers. For PM, victory was righteously his/hers. The ideology conferred invincibility and PM was going to exploit it in any way possible. But the battle was not a lost cause. Someone called MFK, who I believe possessed boundless energy and wit to emerge victorious in this crusade left a comment that was directed at the person, meant to irk PM. As expected, PM quickly recoiled and lashed out at this clever person. Irascible PM defiantly defended his/her ally, denouncing MFK for being irrational and dismissing MFK’s comment as irrelevant. MFK didn’t fumble like PM and was set to deliver his/her final blow. To put it simply, the very weapon that PM vigorously used backfired. In the name of freedom of speech, MFK pointedly reasoned that his/her action was completely apprehensible. Were FM to emulate his/her ideology fully, he/she wouldn’t have snapped.

What is appalling from this skirmish is the very nature of freedom of speech. It’s innate for a person who dislikes another person to make comments to degrade that other party even though it’s morally wrong. But to make it justified and accepted by everyone, the person hides behind the propaganda. Nobody will raise an issue if the expression is made in the spirit of freedom of speech. Everybody can express whatever they think regardless of the repercussions. IMHO, freedom of speech is expression of condescending repackaged. In the liberal world that we live in, sins can be disguised as long as one has the means to fashion and label it in an acceptable way. We tend to consider the superficial nature of things hence the staunchest ally of this culture is able to promote and propagate their repackaged belief easily. Greed is justified by evolution; the latter proposes that only the best can survive. Power hungry people lurk in the shadows of equality. We put on cosmetics to ensure that the hidden motives, however reeking with self-centered agenda, will remain, well, hidden. No one is going to look deeply enough to penetrate through the smokescreen. Everyone is contented if the packaging is glossy enough and readily accepts it as a norm.

To limit freedom of speech will only render the phrase to being oxymoron. But what can we do about it? Dissent is vital in keeping an organization in order. This is not the era when the superiors have the power in everything. Its presence keeps a tyrannical government out of the office. But a complete freedom is dangerous. Should we change the phrase to rational-freedom-of-speech? Long enough to put people off from using it. Do we need to eradicate it completely? No, we shouldn’t. What we can do is to revamp it so that everyone can feel comfortable to use it regardless of circumstances.

Apropos the incident, the advocates clearly cannot accept critics from pounding on them. They should answer this question, why bother to use the phrase in the first place? Me, I’m a stickler. I make some leeway here and there but to uphold a principle strongly but later abandoning it because it hurts me, I’d rather not. Voltaire may have said that he might disagree with someone but he’ll die for that someone to say it. But will we really? And the last time I checked, as for Muslims, he’s not in the list of whom we should exemplify…

I must stress that I don’t totally oppose freedom of speech. I’m just disgusted at the failure of the so-called associates of the ideology to really stick to their belief…

Mood: -less

Listening to: Die Alone - Ingrid Michaelson

I’m not too good in reading a person but once in a while, it just pops up and grabs my attention fully. AN is a friend of mine. Well, technically, we’re ‘siblings’. It all happened by chance whereby the bond formed was due to ballot picking. In other words, I had to pick up a name from a box filled with names. I know. Tautology.

I must say we had a good start. But due to my insistence nature to push the luck further, I noticed things were going wrong…

When we’re engaged in a conversation, I’d sense a nascent discomfort between us. AN is just impassive. It’s not uncommon to see the face of disinterest and by just looking at the façade’d oppress me. He’s there to talk to you but he’s always somewhere else. Like his presence doesn’t really fill up the metaphysical space that I dwell in. Like he’s always rushing to somewhere else to do something else with someone else. Frankly, I’ve never engaged in a true conversation with him. And that leaves me wondering…

Have I ever done wrong to him? Have I ever, in any ways, hurt his feelings? Am I too acerbic for him to put up with me? I would have asked him these but my cowardice overrules any impulse to do so. Maybe I don’t really understand his personality. But THAT might be his personality, the one that oozes deadpan-ness whenever one is talking to him. If that’s the case, I might have inferred wrongly.

My trashing between understanding and ignoring this minute detail only tires me out. I have come to a resolution that I’ll avoid AN as subtly as I can. If only it’s possible…

It’s one of the fatuous Saturday afternoons that you feel too lethargic to do anything productive. Between someone’s remark on Fiqry’s pumped up torso and incessant discussions on award-winning movies, there were bigger things that took place in my rather dreary life. Of late, my life has taken some serious turns.

Reflecting on my trials results, I am not too wrong to say that I’m clinging on to a fraying hope. Why 3A’s are so elusive? Why couldn’t I do as good as my other peers? I may have the answer but the underfear, the sacrosanct notion of ignorance refuses to face the question. Hence, my inevitable inability to provide the much needed answer. I am complacent. I am contented. Which I should not. So, when the teachers returned my papers back, I had to concede defeat and hold myself accountable for my lackluster performance in the exam. I may be bitter but after having a good look around, there were those who suffered worse blows. I should be thankful. 

Well, let’s not digress any further. As we all know (at least among the thinning coterie called medics), her cover was blown to smithereens. If she’s facing the music now, I doubt that it has yet reached a crescendo. Nor an overture. We don’t care, really. And we don’t demand an apology.

But there’s a question of morality that she has to answer. Although it wasn’t I who posed this question, I’m obliged to amplify it, and hopefully, it reverberates strong enough for her to take notice. And the question is (or questions): Is it really bad and humiliating not to get any offers from any

UK

institutions? Does one have to resort to lying about one’s application status so one will not fall a few rungs below in the social ladder?

A few of our friends have yet received affirmative reply from any institutions but they don’t lie about their status. Everything is cut and dried for them. If it’s a rejection, they’ll whisper it to others and we’ll get to know that they have been rejected by a particular university. For them, the embarrassment of being found out lying outweighs the same feeling after receiving a rejection. I know that commiseration is easily dispensed by the more fortunate ones. I also know that I can never understand what they feel when they get rejected one after another. I was at the receiving end earlier this year and I must admit, I’m still reeling with the aftertaste. Let it be known that I’ll take forever to get over it… But I’m blessed by the gift from Allah. I was saved albeit by other institutions. Upon reflection, I’m more fortunate than some of my friends. Again, I should be thankful.

Let us pray that the few unfortunate friends of ours get their places at an overseas medical school. Let us pray they’ll get learning seats at RCSI. Amin.

Mood: Relieved…

Listening to: Vultures - John Mayer

I’m happy,however diminutive the feeling is.

I still owe my readers the conclusion but for now,it’s safe to say that I’ve won the battle.I’ll get back to the tale when I’m free…

Oh yeah,our mad dash across the town yesterday was somehow paid off.I got what I wanted.And I lovelovelove it.Thanks Pidah and Lawi for bearing with me…Although I must apologize to both of them for dragging them along to places they’ve never wanted to be in the first place.Sorry guys.We did spend a fortune on transportation. Looking at a brighter side,the endless walking helped us reduce the excess baggage. And we’re gonna wear that on college birthday,ayte?

P.S:My nose is still leaking like a perforated sieve…